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ASK MAX

June 29, 2010 Edition

Dear Max,

What’s with weathermen? Do they have to be cheesy as a prerequisite for the job?

- Embarrassed for These People

Dear Embarrassed,

Why are you embarrassed for them? Being a television meteorologist (let’s not be sexist, there are plenty of cheesy weatherwomen these days) is the best job in the world.

Okay, that might have been an overstatement. Being Jay-Z is the best job in the world, as I note later in this edition. (That’s a ploy to keep you reading. Mommy taught me that trick.)

If you’re me, the best jobs in the world are Dog Food Taste-Tester or Professional Toy Fetcher or Roll of Paper Towels Shredder. But, I digress…

Don’t blame the meteorologist for being cheesy, especially these days, when computers do all the work. We don’t actually need a human being relating to you the same stuff you can find faster on your computer. So the only thing keeping these people employed is personality.

Are they cheesy? Of course they are! If these weather—um—people were any more interesting, they’d be doing something better. If they were any less interesting, they’d be replaced by someone else who can read a monitor and tell you “it’s 72 and sunny” without accidentally swearing or drooling.

And that’s all it requires. Which makes it a pretty good gig.

Honestly, I could do the job. Dogs are very sensitive to changes in barometric pressure. And you’ll always know when there’s lightning and thunder, because I’ll be under the bed, shivering.

Dear Max,

How come it’s cool to like certain music in college but suddenly it’s uncool when you’re a bona fide adult? And how come nobody tells you this stuff in advance?

- Music Geek For Real

Dear Music Geek,

You have me at a loss, because I’m not sure exactly what music you’re talking about. Granted, I’ve never been to college, given how poorly my obedience training ended. (Once again, dear instructor: Only having 8 ½ fingers is sexy. Really. Chicks dig that.)

But I’m into music too. My mommy is friends with lots of musicians so I grew up around music and I love it. That said, I’m highly attuned to high-pitched sounds, which can actually be a problem with stuff like Mariah Carey songs and the squeals of Ryan Seacrest fleeing in terror from a mouse.

Best I can tell, if you’re a real music geek, you probably liked good music in college. What was legitimately cool then isn’t any less cool now that you’re a “bona fide adult.” Also, to be genuinely cool is to have the conviction to like what you like, regardless of what other people think.

On the other hand, if you were listening to Nickelback in college, your tastes were never cool, and you should immediately seek therapy.

Dear Max,

How long do broken hearts last?

- Crybaby

Dear Crybaby:

That’s the kind of philosophical inquiry I’m given to consider for hours while getting my belly rubbed. Okay, that’s not entirely true. While I’m getting my belly rubbed the entirety of my consciousness is going I’m getting my belly rubbed! I’m getting my belly rubbed! Oh, sweet Lady Gaga, I’m getting my belly rubbed! NEVER STOP RUBBING MY BELLY!

Sorry, I hope that wasn’t too painful to hear, especially since I get the impression that right now no one’s rubbing your… um… belly. And you desperately miss whoever was rubbing your belly, and I totally get that.

Everyone tells you time heals all wounds, and outside of a sawed-off shotgun blast to the face, that’s generally true. But no one ever mentions how much time it takes. And it takes a long time. How long, I can’t exactly tell you. But it can seem like forever, as in how long it will take to clean oil out of the Gulf of Mexico. How long it will take to get out of Afghanistan and Iraq. How long it will take for David Caruso to deliver his next line.

We’re talking a long time.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Get out of the house, spend time with friends, find your favorite tree and take a good, long pee on it. You’re in good company. Everyone deals with a broken heart once, twice—actually, on average, 37 times. When you’re ready, you’ll be back in Belly Rub City.

Dear Max,

Did Jay-Z ever elaborate on what the 99 problems he had were? I get that none of them was a bitch, but what were they?

- Problematic

Dear Problematic:

As a matter of fact, Jay-Z did elaborate. I was hanging with Jay the other day (that’s right, I call him Jay). While we were kicking it, I happened to ask Jay what his 99 problems are and he was happy to break it down. They are:

1. Restless Leg Syndrome

2. Ongoing beef with Andrea Bocelli is becoming increasingly violent.

3. Overly-general search warrants

4. How when you’re counting massive stacks of $100 bills and someone mentions a number, you lose your place and have to start over again.

5. Running out of those $100 bills to light your cigars with.

6. The way the tag in the back of your T-shirt flips up and no one tells you about it.

7. The FBI, the CIA, and the DEA

8. Static cling

9. Caprice Crane won’t bequeath him the most adorable, sweetest, handsomest dog in the world, and it’s breaking his heart…

Okay, so that’s when I woke up. Jay and I didn’t hang, and I don’t know what his 99 Problems are. the guy is insanely rich, insanely popular and he’s with Beyonce. How bad can his problems be?

Also, for the record: a bitch is not a problem! Granted, Jay and I might not be talking about exactly the same thing.

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