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ASK MAX

July 30, 2010 Edition

Dear Max,

Scooting your butt across the carpet: Does it feel as good as it looks?

- Roids in Rochester

Dear Roids,

Yes.

Next question…

I’m sorry, Roids, you’re still here? You want me to elaborate on the Secret Art of the Butt Scoot? Hey, what kind of name is Roids in Rochester, anyway? Are you beefing up to fight off the imminent Canadian Invasion? What, you can’t prepare for The Battle for Lake Ontario without adding to your anabolic arsenal? Or did you not mean steroids? You meant hemorrhoids didn’t you…hence the whole “butt-scooting” thing. Got it. Never mind preparing for The Battle for Lake Ontario. Apparently the only preparation you need is “H.”

But hey, this is a good opportunity for a little education, and not just because it gives me a chance to use the term “anal glands.” Though I certainly will be using the term “anal glands.” (See, there it was again.)

Not all dogs “scoot.” But if your dog does: Most often that means your dog’s anal glands have become impacted. This is no fun, so take him or her to the vet. It’s a super-simple procedure requiring just a thumb and a forefinger, but you really do not want to use your thumb and forefinger, if you get my drift. And I bet you do.

P.S. Anal glands. (You’re welcome.)

Dear Max,

Is four hours too long to hold a red rocket?

- Rickchard

Dear Rickchard,

What is going on with you people this week? This is a family-friendly site. Well, except for that family with the kid who likes to pull tails when he meets dogs on the street. Those people are not welcome here. (I’m not sure they can afford an Internet connection anyway, what with Timmy’s medical bills and all. Who knew reattaching a finger was so pricey?)

So we’ve gone from anal glands (I’m just saying it to annoy Mommy now) to questions about one’s “red rocket.” And I’m guessing you’re not referring to a bottle rocket, a Roman candle or any other kind of firework—in which case yes, four hours would be far too long. Heck, four seconds might be too long. (Unless you’re dying to end up just like Timmy.)

In any event, I know what you’re referring to, Rickchard. And yes, for you, four hours is too long.

Now… could someone please ask a nice, normal, sweet, kind, family-friendly question?

Dear Max,

Sometimes I get the urge to trip a child while they’re happily running around, you know, being a kid. Would it be so terrible if I just caved and tripped one of the little devils?

- Kid Trippin’

Dear Kid Trippin’,

What?

What???

What?!?!?

See, you went and made me break out the extraneous punctuation. Exclamation points, no less! (Ugh, I just did it again.) I hate exclamation points, too.

Kid tripping? Huh? I guess just because I mentioned temporarily borrowing Timmy’s finger earlier, I’m supposed to be down with this. (BTW, I did Timmy a favor: Chicks dig scars.) But a regular child, running around, enjoying life? You want to trip a child?

I’m a good dog. I’m a sweet dog. No matter what you might have heard on the street, or read on TMZ, or heard in my numerous phone messages to Oksana Grigorieva, I am a sweetheart! I would never condone the harming of an innocent child. (I said innocent, Timmy. Now close out Firefox and type up your term paper. I know it might take awhile, since you don’t type so well these days.)

Sorry, Kid Trippin’. I cannot condone your plan. Be nice to our children. You know they’re our future, or they’re smarter than a fifth grader, or they can raze a village or something like that. Trip a kid and he might turn into a tail-puller. And we all know the story from there.

Dear Max,

Should I paint my den linen white or peach sherbet?

- Calicobee

Dear Calicobee,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for a nice, sweet question that has nothing to do with butts or red rockets or child abuse. (Oh, fine, KT: mild child abuse.)

Granted, it’s also kinda boring. Not in a bad way. Just in a… um… boring way. I mean, dens are boring in the first place. That’s why they’re dens. No couple ever spices things up by doing a little doggie-style in the den. Especially if it’s the color “peach sherbet.”

On the other paw, peach sherbet sounds really yummy. If a little peach sherbert happened to fall from the table, I’d have it lapped up before you knew it hit the floor. (In Max-land, everything falls under the five-second rule.)

Not that “linen white” is a better choice. Really? You needed something even more muted than white white? Terrified someone might actually stay awake for more than two minutes in this den of yours? Hell, I might need to scoot my butt across the carpet just to add a little color to the place.

Calicobee, I’m just kidding. I’m sure both colors look lovely. Not that I would know, because dogs can see only basic primary colors. Blue or red, that I can handle. Canary yellow or Gary Busey yellow? No clue.

But if I had to make a call: peach sherbet. Or “sherbert,” if you prefer, and I know many of you do. Now I’m off to wonder whether anyone makes peanut-butter-and-bacon sherbet. … Which, by the way, would make an awesome den color.

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