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ASK MAX

December 13, 2010 Edition

Dear Max:

They say nice guys finish last, but then if you act like a jerk that doesn’t really make you a great
contender in the dating game. What’s a guy to do?

- Confused

Dear Confused:

I’ll never understand why guys think everything must be black and white. (Then again, dogs are
somewhat colorblind, so I’m one to talk.) In the real world, everything has shades of gray, like Ozzy
Osborne’s liver.

Stop taking “nice guys finish last” so literally. Here’s what it means: Passive, overly deferential guys
finish last. You don’t have to be the alpha dog of the Iditarod all the time, but no one’s attracted to
Dog #12 in the rear. That dog’s view of the world is 11 dog butts.

Don’t be a jerk, but put a little bite in your bark. There is a healthy middle ground to be worked between Kirk Cameron and Ben Roethlisberger. (By the way, that’s still the worst buddy-cop show pilot I’ve ever seen. No chemistry at all between those two.)

Remember what Vince Vaughn told Jon Favreau in Swingers: “I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s really hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet. You’re not sure where he’s coming from. Okay? You’re a bad man, you’re a bad man, you’re a bad man. Bad man.”

Next thing you know, Favreau lands Rollergirl. See? It’s as simple as that.

Dear Max:

Why do guys pretend like they’re okay “just being friends” with a girl if they don’t want to just be
friends? It seems like everything’s fine for a while and then BAM, someone’s having a meltdown in a bar and the friendship is ruined.

- Friends are Liars

Dear Friends are Liars:

This fits in pretty well with the previous question, which I appreciate, because I’m far too lazy to deal
with a remarkably different topic right now.

There’s some lying going on here, alright. You’ve been lying to yourself if you actually were convinced
that a guy was okay with “just being friends.”

At the risk of belaboring the “men are dogs” concept I belabor every week, well, men really are dogs.
At their very basest level, men really do just want to eat, sleep and mount: just like dogs. This isn’t just
a Tim Allen routine. This is reality. If this guy has been sniffing around you, he’s interested. Unless he
learns how to brainwash Scarlett Johansson or you fall into a vat of acid, he’ll always be interested.

You can tell him “Let’s just be friends,” and he can say “No problem,” but he didn’t hear “Let’s just be
friends.” Here’s what he heard:

“Let’s just be friends for now. And later, if I’m coming off a bad breakup, or I just polished off a whole
bottle of Pinot Grigio, or that sure was a touching episode of Gray’s Anatomy and I just need to held for a little while, maybe we could hook up.”

As I mentioned before, guys aren’t so great at shades of gray. Take it from me: If the slice of ham is on the kitchen counter, it cannot be eaten. If it happens to fall onto the floor, it must be eaten. There’s no middle ground here. There’s no “making friends” with the ham slice. It’s off limits, or it’s a conquest.

Dog/dude logic.


Dear Max:

What’s the etiquette on re-gifting? The holidays are here and I have a whole bunch of junk that I could
unload without ever having to leave my house. Is re-gifting really that bad?

- Re-gifter

Dear Re-gifter:

There’s nothing wrong with re-gifting. As the old proverb goes, “one man’s trash is another man’s
treasure.” Well, unless that trash is an Insane Clown Posse CD. In which case it’s just trash.

That said, you should not re-gift everything. I think it’s time for…

Max’s Top 10 Things You Must Not Re-Gift

10. Porn.

9. The Shake Weight.

8. The gift of kindness. Because, seriously, no one wants your goddamn ephemeral “gift.” Is it so hard to get a $10 iTunes gift card?

7. That collectible Tickle Me Elmo that sure was collectible until your dog — who wouldn’t know
a collectible from a hole in the wall, and who just wanted a soft plush toy to play with, and if we
haven’t mentioned it before, is not at fault in the slightest for any of this — tore Elmo’s face off and
disemboweled him, leaving him an empty, battered, adorable carcass at the end of a long trail of
stuffing. Um, did I mention that this wasn’t the dog’s fault?

6. One coupon for free sex. (Exception: One coupon for free sex with Angelina Jolie, which is pretty much universally transferable.)

5. I mean, seriously, who keeps an expensive, collectible stuffed animal around when you have a dog?
Seriously? Why don’t you just invest in a collectible cut of filet mignon? And really, aren’t you supposed to keep collectibles in a box? Isn’t that how they retain their value?

4. Those extra-nutritious, extra-healthy, extra-natural dog treats that your dog won’t eat. If he doesn’t want ‘em, none of us do.

3. Okay, fine. I ate through the Tickle Me Elmo box. Yeah, yeah, “bad dog.” Whatever.

2. According to Jim: All 182 Episodes on DVD. (Exception: You can re-gift this to Guantanamo Bay. Now that everyone’s down on waterboarding, they could use it there.)

1. A kidney.

Dear Max:

Simple question that I’m sure you’ve never been asked before: Ginger or Mary Anne? ;-)

- Gilligan

Dear Gilligan:

How can you ask me that? How can you ask anyone that?

Would you ask a mother to choose between her children? Would you ask Archie Manning to choose
Peyton or Eli? Would you ask Lassie to choose between Timmy or the Well?

Would you ask me to choose Lady or the Tramp? Scooby-Doo or Scrappy-Doo? Leroy or the other 100
Dalmatians? Jon or Kate? Ren or Stimpy? Beniffer or the other Beniffer? Tango or Cash? Peanut butter
or jelly? Simon or Simon? Chad Johnson or Chad Ochocinco? David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar?

Would you actually force me to decide between Crew-cut Tom Brady or Bieber Tom Brady?  Ricky Gervais or Steve Carell? Dick York or Dick Sargent?  Laverne or Shirley?  Old-Nose Jennifer Grey or New-Nose Jennifer Grey? Conan the Barbarian or Conan the Comedian? Vanity or Appolonia?

You would?

Okay.

Ginger.

(Duh.)

Oh, and Scrappy-Doo still sucks.

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