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ASK MAX

February 26th, 2010 Edition

QQ Dear Max,

I have two Shih-Tzus (and lost three, two years ago, to old age). Over the past 17 years of living with Shih-Tzus, my big question has got to be: “Why are Shih-Tsus genetically predisposed to pooping and peeing the second their paws hit carpet, and why do I keep getting Shih-Tzus?”

— The Definition of Insanity

Dear Definition:

Actually, my dictionary says the definition of insanity is:

  1. a deranged state of the mind;
  2. extreme folly or unreasonableness;
  3. any decision recently made by NBC

Of course, owning Shih-Tzus is the most brilliant decision you could have made over the past 17 years, with the possible exceptions of having come up with the ideas for American Idol, Twitter, or “Snooki.”

(Okay, “Snooki” isn’t exactly an idea. Actually, I don’t know what the hell a “Snooki”  is, but you’re the one who brought up things my brethren would pee on.)

(By the way: Wikipedia says Snooki is an “aspiring veterinary technician.” Not an aspiring veterinarian, mind you. She an aspiring veterinary technician. That’s what she aspires to. Really?)

(Also, to clarify: My vet techs are awesome. I mean it. They’re artists with a nail clipper, masters with a distemper shot. Please be nice to me next time I visit!)

(Finally, I might be addicted to parenthetical expressions. That can’t be good.)

Where were we? Oh, yeah: Your dogs like to do their business anywhere and everywhere they can find a free spot. They’re the Wal-Mart of poop. Sorry about that.It happens.  Regardless, you clearly love Shih-Tzus, so just start accepting it and purchasing Nature’s Miracle by the case.

QQ Dear Max,

Your owner, Caprice (in case you forgot who picks up your poop, feeds you, walks you, and all that fun stuff), is pretty damn funny. She’s also pretty damn good looking. Knowing that most funny people are not good looking (i.e., Sarah Silverman, Jeffrey Ross, etc.), I’m wondering, what’s the catch?

– Terribly Unfunny

Dear Unfunny,

Let me get this straight: Your think funny people are usually unattractive. And you call yourself terribly unfunny. Which means you must think you’re pretty attractive. Well, I think you’re probably a dog. (But I think dogs are awfully cute, so this is a good thing.)

You’re right, my mommy is foxy. (She’s modest, too, which is nice.) But you don’t think Sarah Silverman’s a cutie? Are you kidding? I’d hump that leg all day and twice on Tuesday! As for Jeff Ross, sure, he’s no Rin Tin Tin, but in the right light…I’ve seen girls swoon. Plus, he’s a good dude. And he’s less likely to tear up your herb garden. (Unless he’s drinking Patron, in which case, all bets are off.)

Anyway, there’s no catch. There are plenty of sexy people out there who are hilarious comedians, and vice versa. You’ve never heard of Tina Fey? Amy Poehler? Jon Stewart? Stephen Colbert? Steven Seagal? (Sorry, I should have stuck with intentionally funny.)

My point: Funny and adorable are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

How do I know? Don’t be silly. I’m living proof.

QQ Dear Max,

I’m having email issues with my new apple laptop. How to you make the fonts

larger on incoming emails? Answer that, will ya?

— Marian

Dear Marian,

You guys have a lot of confidence in a dog. Am I supposed to know everything? Just because I give better relationship advice than Dr. Phil?  Just because I have a 100 percent approval rating among readers named “Caprice,” “Tyra” and “Conan?” (No, we’re not sure which Conan.) Just because I know who impregnated the Octomom (one word: Jonas) and why Paula left Idol? (One word: Jonas.) Just because I know the winning numbers to the next California lottery? (Helpful hint: One of them is odd.) Just because I know how “downward facing dog” became a yoga pose? (I’ll tell you once the kids go to bed.)

OK, fine. I’m told that pressing Apple’s <command> key along with “zero” should return you to the default size, if it’s not like that already. No luck? Try <Ctrl> and <+> to make fonts larger in your browser.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to buy some lottery tickets.

QQ Dear Max,

I’ve had this best friend since I was in grade six and he was a bit of a loser. Not that I wasn’t… because I was. I still am. That’s not the point. The point is, ever since high school started he’s been… different. He’s cool now because he lost weight and I guess he got more attractive (I don’t see it). He was the only one I could talk to about my secrets because they’re secrets that I can’t tell people and I could only trust him. Now he’s really distant and I don’t think he cares about me as much as he used to. No, I don’t have feelings for him… he’s just like my big brother and I want him back. I’m not good at trusting people and making best buddies with people because I’m awkward and shy and I am not attractive, so people stay away from me, I guess. What do I do?

— Lonely?

Dear Lonely:

Oh, sweetie. I don’t know everything, but I know you are no loser. (Actually, I do know everything, but let’s keep that between us and Mensa.)

I realize it’s hard to make heads or tails – or tails, or tails, or tails — (sorry, I got distracted) of things right now. That’s why they call this an “awkward phase.” Be patient, my pet. You should have seen me when I was a puppy! My ears and paws looked gigantic on me. I looked like a tiny, furry Jeff Goldblum. But that’s okay. Not everything was in proportion yet. That’s what happens as you grow up.

People – and puppies – all mature at different times. Maybe you haven’t come into your own. That’s okay. It’ll happen. Don’t believe me? Google “Jennifer Love Hewitt school photo.” Or “Eminem school photo.” Goofy as hell. Not exactly what you’d refer to as “cool.” But look how they turned out.

As for your friend, that’s natural too. This is the time when many childhood friendships dissolve. But it’s also when new ones emerge. Let him go do his thing. You’ll move forward.

I used to be shy too, but one day I realized I had nothing to lose by just going up and sniffing whosever stuff I wanted to sniff. (You should handle this a little differently, but you get the idea.) It’s scary at first, but dig up the courage. It gets easier. Before you know it, you’ll be the alpha dog. And the world will be your chew toy.

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