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ASK MAX

December 6th, 2009 Edition

QQ Dear Max,

Is it just me or do those Kay Jewelry commercials scare you?

-Kill also begins with “K”

Dear Kill:

Commercials don’t scare me. I’m like everyone else. I’m scared of the usual things. You know, bigger dogs, loud noises, Rachael Ray.

Sure, the “Every kiss begins with Kay” jingle is a bit strange, considering we know most kisses actually originate with vodka martinis or Mind Eraser shooters.

However, Kay’s tagline is better than “He went to Jared,” which brings to mind Jared from the Subway commercials. It’s never romantic to think of a man who lost 240 pounds, yet appears no likelier to get laid now than he did before.

I’ll assume you’re referring to the new Kay “Love’s Embrace “commercial with the couple hanging out in the dark cabin in the woods. So I guess you noticed that:

·           The man resembles Jeremy Sisto, who has acted in films with titles such as The Dog Killer (not cool, buddy), Dead & Breakfast and The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things.

·           His voice sounds like that of Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs.

·           And while lotion and baskets are never discussed, the commercial does include the line “Now you can surround her with the strength of your love.” Like you, I expected the line to end with “the strength of your duct tape.”

Does this scare me? Of course. But only because, like everyone else, I’m terrified of commitment. And retail prices.

QQ Dear Max,

Why is it appropriate to be drunk before noon in Vegas but when I try to use this logic with my boss he tells me I’m fired?  

Drunk and Unemployed

Dear Drunk and Unemployed,

The issue is not that you’re drunk. Everyone knows the only way to handle the constant stress and tedium of most jobs is to do them drunk. Just ask any of the characters on Mad Men or my Mommy’s friend Dave, the school bus driver.

Here’s the problem: You tried to use logic with your boss. This is not something a boss can handle. Logic is for people who accomplish things.

And about your boss: In all likelihood, he/she already was drunk on scotch/vodka when you told him/her that you’d indulged in a shot/liter of bourbon/lighter fluid. Unfortunately, your boss also is a mean drunk, which is why Russell Crowe/Amy Winehouse no longer employs you.

Be consoled that you’re doing the right thing: The pain of being unemployed and eventually homeless is greatly alleviated by whatever bottom-shelf booze you can still afford.

And remember what my Mommy always says: I’m not a drunk. That’s past tense. I’m a drinking.

QQ Dear Max,

I’ve been dating this girl for only a few months and what do you know…the holidays are here. I’m feeling pressure to get the right gift. I want it to be something special that says, “Hey, I dig you a lot and I put some thought into this.” But I don’t want it to be too over the top since we’ve only been dating for a few months. What should I do?

- Holiday Pressure Cooker

Dear H.P.C. (Sorry, bud, that abbreviation sounds like an STD),

There’s nothing more beautiful than young love. Well, unless it’s between ugly people. In which case, pretty much everything’s more beautiful than young love.

You’re dealing with an age-old problem: How do you show her she’s not like every other skank you used and tossed aside when you got bored, without making her think you’re a needy, co-dependent freak who’s terrified of growing old alone with no one but your Hump Me Elmo?

(What? You can tickle Elmo all you want. I’m a dog, dammit.)

Here’s my advice: Dump her. This not only removes the pressure on you to buy her a gift; it also frees up your dough for a fresh batch of Xbox games.

She’ll be upset, certainly, but she’ll be upset anyway. You can’t win. No one ever does. The golden rule to life is that no matter where you think you two are in your relationship, she thinks you’re somewhere else.

If you get her something she thinks is nice, her self-worth will skyrocket, she’ll decide you’re not good enough and bang your brother. If you get her something she finds unimpressive, she’ll think you didn’t care enough about her, so you certainly won’t care if she bangs your brother.

See? No matter what you do, you’re screwed. Just like Elmo.

QQ Dear Max, 

Even though making fun of Ed Hardy clothes is now as unoriginal as Dane Cook people still seem to wear them with zero shame whatsoever. What gives? 

- Ashamed of Society

Dear Ashamed,

We live in a world where millions “read” James Patterson “books” – in public, even. They kept “According to Jim” on a major network for eight seasons. They listen to Nickelback, and no one even knows what that nickel’s worth, because it’s Canadian. And they are willing to spend hours on Twitter ensuring that #uknowimmaplayacuz is a trending topic.

Anyone who’s halfway coherent knows these activities range from inane to insane. But here’s the thing: People are stupid. Maybe not eat-your-own-body-hair stupid, or screw around with a multitude of social climbers when you’re the world’s most famous golfer stupid, but stupid.

Think of it this way: Most people on earth have an IQ around 100, perhaps a little above or below.

These are the worst people on earth.

Smart people are fun, because someone has to create awesome apps for your iPhone. Dumb people are fun, because someone has to appear on VH1 reality shows.

But the Middle Majority? Worthless. They’re just smart enough to think Ed Hardy clothing is cooler than, say, Dickies, without being smart enough to see how shallow and obvious (and over) it is.

So what can we do? Nothing. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Face it, when you can lick your own privates, what more do you really need? I gave up enjoying anything esoteric, challenging or even vaguely interesting long ago.

Now leave me alone. Leno’s coming on.

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