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ASK MAX

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Archive for September, 2010

September 24, 2010 Edition

Friday, September 24th, 2010

Dear Max,

I have a long-distance friend who I talk to on a website where I post my artwork and writing. She sees me as an older sister and I love her dearly, but she copies me 24/7! At first I thought she was just a committed fan, but she started drawing like me, using my original writing voice/jokes in her writing, and she even created a character who acts just like mine! (For example, my character is called Blink and she has weird habits and keeps a human head in a jar, hers is named Winks and she has weird habits and keeps a used tissue in a jar.) I got her to lay off a little on the copying, but she did this after I first asked her to stop using all my ideas. I don’t want to be mean to her since I’m one of her only friends and other people give her a hard time, but I don’t want her taking credit for stuff I came up with!

- Not a Doormat

Dear N.A.D.:

Give me just one second…I’m finishing up my latest short story. It’s awesome. It’s about a character named Kinks who has weird habits and keeps a human head wrapped in used tissue in a jar. Seriously, you’re going to love it.

Oh, N.A.D., I feel for you. You know how many people are trying to bite my style? Enough that I’ve had to start biting ankles in return, that’s how many. Granted, this might not be the best strategy with your long-distance protégé/little sister/Single White Female, who I’m sure is a lovely young lady when she’s not stabbing your boyfriend to death or duct-taping you to the living room furniture.

(Think I’m overreacting? Seriously, have you heard from Bridget Fonda lately? Exactly.)

OK, she’s probably not that bad. Regardless, it’s time to come right out and tell her to get her own ideas and her own style. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but in this case it’s the sincerest form of super-duper wackjob. You’re one of her only friends and people give her a hard time? This is not a coincidence; this is Girl, Interrupted. Fleas want to live off me, too, but do I let them? Nope, I scratch ‘em right off. Life’s too short to put up with parasites.

Dear Max:

Eggs have never been appealing to me. I don’t like them. No omelets, no scrambles, no “over easy,” no poached, no Benedict, no sunny-side-up. No eggs. So the tainted egg recall was no big deal to me… until I wanted to make brownies.

I CAN’T ELIMINATE MY NEED FOR BROWNIES, MAX!

*Ahem* Sorry for the outburst.  I hope you can help.

- lafix

Dear lafix:

It’s okay. I understand. My old friend, Scooby Doo, was crazy about brownies. He and his pal Shaggy would pound those suckers. The really weird part is that no matter how many they ate, those two would just get hungrier! Look, I love food more than any creature that’s ever existed ever in the history of ever, but even I couldn’t take down an extra-large pizza and three bags of Funyuns after an entire tray of blondies. (Dogs don’t do chocolate, you know, so I eat “blondie” brownies.) Those two, they were just crazy about their munchies.

I’m not sure why you’re so worried about tainted eggs, though. You just have to get yourself a non-tainted chicken, because everyone knows the chicken came before the egg. Or maybe it was the other way around. I’m not sure. I just remember we had a debate about this for hours the other day. (In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s the day Scooby came over with brownies.)

I put my paws to work and found a few supposed replacements you could use for eggs in baking. According to one site, 2 tablespoons of either cornstarch, potato starch or arrowroot flour can work in place of one egg, though those all sounds like rather dry substitutes for a wet ingredient. Supposedly one banana can work too, which sounds like a better idea.

Let me know if any of those tips work for you. And if you happen to whip up a particularly tasty tray of blondies, I’ll be happy to help you knock ‘em out. We can hang out and talk smack about Humpty Dumpty. We can discuss how you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, just like you can’t make a Friday the 13th movie without breaking a few camp counselors. It’ll be crackin’.

Dear Max:

Down the street lives a hot little bitch that I would LOVE to chase cars with. Actually, I’d be happy just to sniff her butt, but I’m nothing if not tenacious (and flea-ridden), so I’m always trying to feed more kibbles to my bits. KNOWHUTIMSAYINDAWG?

Anyway, what’s the best way to escape from a Tesco 1440 leash so that I can knock a bitch up?

- Frisky in Fresno

Dear Frisky:

Tenacious I’m fine with, but flea-ridden? Really? It might be time to pay a bit more attention to your hygiene, good sir. Trade in the Axe body spray for a nice, big bottle of Hartz. Your basket of toiletries are not there to give you better-smelling parasites. Sorry, but you can’t call it your entourage if it’s living on your skin.

As for the escape plan: If you’re having so much trouble with a leash, maybe you’re not quite ready to handle your amour. I’m just saying, she sounds like she might be in the market for someone more mature. Someone who has more flexibility, who can take her and show her the town. Someone who can write an advice column and Google “egg substitutes.” Someone who looks just adorable in formal wear. I’m just saying.

No? Alright then. Even though you sound like you’re The Schnauzer Situation, I’ll show you some love. Look for the spot where the leash is most worn and just gnaw through it. It shouldn’t take more than an hour. Hell, I’ve seen Randy Quaid knock it out in 20 minutes.

Good luck in your social endeavors, but let’s talk about this “knock her up” thing. Aren’t there enough crazy bitches running the streets right now? Spaying and neutering is important: It saves us from the heartache of destroying pets, the communicable diseases carried by feral animals, and might have saved us from Snooki. So I’m praying that your canine conquest already had her terrier tubes tied. KNOWHUTIMSAYINDAWG?

Dear Max:

Hey Max!  My significant other owns a car wash.  We are thinking of adding one of those newfangled pet washes.  I want to call it “Doggie Style.”  Do you find that offensive?

- DeeDee

Dear DeeDee:

That sounds like a wonderful name! Why on earth would I find that offensive? I don’t think doggie style gets nearly enough credit. I mean, look at me. No doggie has more style than I do. I can rock a bowtie better than Andre 3000. I can rock a studded collar better than Dita Von Teese. I can rock the au naturel look better than Lada GaGa.

Go for it, DeeDee. Sing the praises of doggie style everywhere you go. Tell all your friends that nothing inspires you more than doggie style. Testify to the amazing powers of doggie style at school, at your office, at your place of worship. At your next family get-together, make sure everyone knows about your affinity for doggie style. Tell them you were up all night working on your doggie style, and now you’re completely exhausted. Speaking of which—

—Hang on, DeeDee. Sorry. Mommy says she has something she needs to tell me. One sec. Yes, Mommy? What’s that?

What?

REALLY?

Oh, my.

DeeDee, it appears I might have spoken a touch out of turn. Um, name your pet wash whatever you’d like. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to rename my proposed learning center for Western ladies with dyslexia.

I’m no longer sure “Reverse Cowgirl” is going to fly.

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