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ASK MAX

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Archive for July, 2010

July 30, 2010 Edition

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

Dear Max,

Scooting your butt across the carpet: Does it feel as good as it looks?

- Roids in Rochester

Dear Roids,

Yes.

Next question…

I’m sorry, Roids, you’re still here? You want me to elaborate on the Secret Art of the Butt Scoot? Hey, what kind of name is Roids in Rochester, anyway? Are you beefing up to fight off the imminent Canadian Invasion? What, you can’t prepare for The Battle for Lake Ontario without adding to your anabolic arsenal? Or did you not mean steroids? You meant hemorrhoids didn’t you…hence the whole “butt-scooting” thing. Got it. Never mind preparing for The Battle for Lake Ontario. Apparently the only preparation you need is “H.”

But hey, this is a good opportunity for a little education, and not just because it gives me a chance to use the term “anal glands.” Though I certainly will be using the term “anal glands.” (See, there it was again.)

Not all dogs “scoot.” But if your dog does: Most often that means your dog’s anal glands have become impacted. This is no fun, so take him or her to the vet. It’s a super-simple procedure requiring just a thumb and a forefinger, but you really do not want to use your thumb and forefinger, if you get my drift. And I bet you do.

P.S. Anal glands. (You’re welcome.)

Dear Max,

Is four hours too long to hold a red rocket?

- Rickchard

Dear Rickchard,

What is going on with you people this week? This is a family-friendly site. Well, except for that family with the kid who likes to pull tails when he meets dogs on the street. Those people are not welcome here. (I’m not sure they can afford an Internet connection anyway, what with Timmy’s medical bills and all. Who knew reattaching a finger was so pricey?)

So we’ve gone from anal glands (I’m just saying it to annoy Mommy now) to questions about one’s “red rocket.” And I’m guessing you’re not referring to a bottle rocket, a Roman candle or any other kind of firework—in which case yes, four hours would be far too long. Heck, four seconds might be too long. (Unless you’re dying to end up just like Timmy.)

In any event, I know what you’re referring to, Rickchard. And yes, for you, four hours is too long.

Now… could someone please ask a nice, normal, sweet, kind, family-friendly question?

Dear Max,

Sometimes I get the urge to trip a child while they’re happily running around, you know, being a kid. Would it be so terrible if I just caved and tripped one of the little devils?

- Kid Trippin’

Dear Kid Trippin’,

What?

What???

What?!?!?

See, you went and made me break out the extraneous punctuation. Exclamation points, no less! (Ugh, I just did it again.) I hate exclamation points, too.

Kid tripping? Huh? I guess just because I mentioned temporarily borrowing Timmy’s finger earlier, I’m supposed to be down with this. (BTW, I did Timmy a favor: Chicks dig scars.) But a regular child, running around, enjoying life? You want to trip a child?

I’m a good dog. I’m a sweet dog. No matter what you might have heard on the street, or read on TMZ, or heard in my numerous phone messages to Oksana Grigorieva, I am a sweetheart! I would never condone the harming of an innocent child. (I said innocent, Timmy. Now close out Firefox and type up your term paper. I know it might take awhile, since you don’t type so well these days.)

Sorry, Kid Trippin’. I cannot condone your plan. Be nice to our children. You know they’re our future, or they’re smarter than a fifth grader, or they can raze a village or something like that. Trip a kid and he might turn into a tail-puller. And we all know the story from there.

Dear Max,

Should I paint my den linen white or peach sherbet?

- Calicobee

Dear Calicobee,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for a nice, sweet question that has nothing to do with butts or red rockets or child abuse. (Oh, fine, KT: mild child abuse.)

Granted, it’s also kinda boring. Not in a bad way. Just in a… um… boring way. I mean, dens are boring in the first place. That’s why they’re dens. No couple ever spices things up by doing a little doggie-style in the den. Especially if it’s the color “peach sherbet.”

On the other paw, peach sherbet sounds really yummy. If a little peach sherbert happened to fall from the table, I’d have it lapped up before you knew it hit the floor. (In Max-land, everything falls under the five-second rule.)

Not that “linen white” is a better choice. Really? You needed something even more muted than white white? Terrified someone might actually stay awake for more than two minutes in this den of yours? Hell, I might need to scoot my butt across the carpet just to add a little color to the place.

Calicobee, I’m just kidding. I’m sure both colors look lovely. Not that I would know, because dogs can see only basic primary colors. Blue or red, that I can handle. Canary yellow or Gary Busey yellow? No clue.

But if I had to make a call: peach sherbet. Or “sherbert,” if you prefer, and I know many of you do. Now I’m off to wonder whether anyone makes peanut-butter-and-bacon sherbet. … Which, by the way, would make an awesome den color.

July 18, 2010 Edition

Sunday, July 18th, 2010

Dear Max,

Why in the name of heaven have the cast members of Jersey Shore NOT been sterilized? Is no one else shrinking in terror and disgust at the thought of them reproducing? It seems as though it should certainly be mandated, does it not?

- Horrified of These People

Dear Horrified,

As you might expect, this is a sensitive issue for me. Generation after generation of my species are neutered and spayed against their will, without their consent, without so much as a “But honey we’ll be able to just relax and enjoy it now.” All we get is a “Let’s go to the park” and suddenly we’re somewhere that sure as hell isn’t a park and snip snip, our proud lineage ends.

But I get why that has to happen. Imagine what would happen if these hounds and bitches did not get spayed and neutered. Their furry progeny would be out causing trouble all hours of the night. They’d be urinating everywhere, mounting each other in back alleys, attacking each other on the streets, howling at the moon and generally ruining society with their beastly behavior.

Sorry, that paragraph was about the Jersey Shore cast. Now, let’s get back to the issue of canines…

Dear Max,

Are you jealous of all the hype that supposedly psychic octopus Paul is getting? Would you trade your puppy adorableness for psychic powers if it meant being all Cephalopoddy?

- Thomas

Dear Thomas,

I’m not the jealous type. Although, mind you, I did notice that Paul actually has a Wikipedia page, which makes me curious why not one of my many fans has gone ahead and created one for me. Perhaps the funniest thing about Paul’s bio, BTW, is the part where most Wikipedia pages mention their subject’s birth:

“Paul (purportedly hatched January 2008) is a common octopus…”

Hatched? Hatched? This dude got hatched and suddenly he’s all the rage?

It’s cool, though. I have nothing but love for another creature actually getting a job and contributing to society instead of sitting around eating crabs and fish all day. (I’m looking at you, denizens of Red Lobster.)  Plus, I’m a million times cuter than him. Also, I can go swimming too, but unlike Paul, I can get out and dry off anytime I like.

Also, this is a much better sports tradition for octopi than the one in hockey, where Detroit Red Wings fans would throw the slimy suckers onto the ice after a big win there. At first I thought that must be suck for the poor, dead octopi, but on second thought, it’s probably better than living in Detroit.

Dear Max,

Now that Gary Coleman is no longer with us, isn’t the onus on Todd Bridges to tell us exactly what the hell Willis was talkin’ bout?

- Gina B.

Dear Gina,

Gary Coleman is no longer with us? Oh, no! He’s one of my favorite actors! I kept hoping for a sequel to Office Space – he was so hilarious, bugging people for those TPS reports! And he was so funny in Talladega Nights and Dodgeball, and he was great on Entourage!

He was so versatile, too! Did you know he just missed out on being cast as Crockett in the original “Miami Vice?” And who are they going to get to play the dad of The Brady Bunch now? He did that in the movies and he was doing the voice on Family Guy and Robot Chicken!

Wait a second, Mommy’s telling me I might be a little confused. Oh. Whew. Now I understand. Gary Cole is just fine. Gary Coleman has passed on. Sorry about the confusion.

Gina, I’m afraid Gary Coleman’s years of stardom pretty well predate me, so I’m not much help there. As for Todd Bridges, I’m just thrilled he finally won the Oscar for Crazy Heart. It was well deserved given his great performance and his long, stellar career. The Dude abides, Gina. The Dude abides.

Dear Max,

Why do some people not like reading? Are they idiots or they just not have anything else to do? Are there better things to do than reading?

- Carmab

Dear Carmab,

Reading is the best thing you can ever do, with one exception. And that exception is buying books. Buying books is the best thing you can ever do, and luckily it goes hand-in-hand with reading. If you really like an author, someone like – I’ll just throw a dart and pick someone random here – Caprice Crane, it’s a good idea to purchase five or ten copies of her books. You know, just in case there’s a fire or a flood or an earthquake, you can rest easy knowing you have several backup copies. Because a natural disaster is stressful enough; you might as well kick back with a good book.

Why don’t other people read? Let’s be honest, there are a lot more things vying for people’s attention these days. You can’t really expect people to get absorbed in a fresh, interesting, original story when they can watch a Kardashian fight with her boyfriend for the 473rd time.

So, yes. They’re idiots.

NOH8

Friday, July 2nd, 2010

Caprice was thrilled to become part of The NOH8 Campaign — a photographic silent protest created by celebrity photographer Adam Bouska and partner Jeff Parshley to promote and raise awareness for Marriage Equality and anti-discrimination.  Photos feature subjects with duct tape over their mouths, symbolizing their voices being silenced by Prop 8 and similar legislation around the world, with “NOH8″ painted on one cheek in protest.

You can also see Caprice Crane’s photo on the NOH8 Website, HERE.

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