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ASK MAX

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Archive for September, 2009

I Want To Date Your Family

Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

My latest piece on HuffingtonPost.com: I Want To Date Your Family

“Inlaws.” Even the mere word causes fear and revulsion. Think Jane Fonda in that horrific Jennifer Lopez flick. Or FDR’s mom, who friggin’ tortured Eleanor Roosevelt, of all people. Who is so evil they would torture a saint? Eleanor Roosevelt’s mother-in-law, that’s who. In-laws are evil…”

Read more at: 
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caprice-crane/i-want-to-date-your-famil_b_301824.html

September 16, 2009 Edition

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

Maximillian,

WTF is with all the Vampire stuff as of late? Seriously, everywhere I turn it’s yet another emaciated b-lister with bad fangs in Marilyn Manson’s 1995 tour wardrobe, pouting and complaining about being undead and sh*t. Whatever, right?

–Unky Dav

P.S. Doesn’t your mom kinda rock a vampish vibe?

Dear Unky Dav,

You know the dating pool is bad when millions of ladies say: “Sure, he may kill me and drain my blood, but it’s better than speed dating!” It’s kinda sad that so many folks fantasize about a lover that would use them as a chew toy. I wish I could chalk it up to “Chicks dig danger,” but honestly, what’s dangerous about a pale, emaciated kid in make up and “skinny jeans?” What are you gonna do, geek? Murder me with your half finished screenplay?

The recent undead overload is mainly caused by movies and books like “Twilight” being multimillion dollar hits among easily impressionable teens. I don’t get the vampire thing either. Let me get it straight: you can’t go out in the sun, and you can’t eat meat or cheese? That sounds like the worst existence ever. Sounds almost as bad as being a cat!

And thank you for the kind words about my Mommy. We have now reached the point in society where telling a lady: “You look like an undead, quasi-cannibalistic creature that can only be destroyed by holy power” is meaningful, heartfelt compliment. To answer about my mom’s “vampish vibe,” she just happens to be fair skinned (writers room = WWII bomb shelter with less windows), wear “rocker T’s” (great taste in music!), and tries to stay in good shape (a healthy diet of tasty blood – wait—I think I said too much…).

Dear Max-

My mom’s 3yr old shih-tzu, Layla, humps everything in sight.  Don’t only boy dogs do that? BTW, she’s single and has a very long, pink tongue…

Thanks,

Roxylori

Dear Roxylori,

I believe it was Ben Franklin who once said: “There is no being on earth more optimistic than a dog humping furniture.”  It’s hard enough to get another dog to care about you, let alone a leather couch. Then again, if the furniture companies ever find a way to make this reciprocal they’ll make billions.

No, boy dogs aren’t the only ones who do that. Just like in the human world, female dogs (see, we don’t even call ‘em “Bitches” anymore) are becoming more empowered every day. For example, you ladies now make about 85 cents to the dollar that men do. Way to go! Another byproduct of this is finding and embracing your own sexuality.  It’s 2009, and women are realizing that “Hey, we can hump whoever we want, whenever we want!”

Same goes for dogs. That said, your girl dog may just need some more exercise, and possibly a better understanding of “the birds and the bees and those pillows we got at Target.” Also, why it’s called the “love seat,” but not *quite* that way.

Thank you for trying to hook me up, but let’s think about this: If I were human, you probably wouldn’t say: “Hmmm… my cousin is making sweet sweet love to the recliner, I’ve got to set her up with one of my guy friends!”  Then again, I’m loathe to make too much fun of your dog. After all, who hasn’t woken up one morning, looked at whoever’s next to them in bed and said, “Man, I wish I’d only humped the furniture last night?”

Hi Max,

So you have you been out for a walk with Cadillac Ronson? Get along OK with her?

P.S. your owners Tweets are hilarious by the way.

Regards

OBWSR

Dear OBWSR

I woof-spectfully plead the 5th amendment on the grounds my answer may prove to incriminate me. Plus, I’m not one to “walk and tell.”

Being a celebrity dog is hard work. Everything’s: “Show us your paws!” and “I see you haven’t been fixed yet!” The fact that you even know who Cadillac Ronson is speaks to the lack of privacy among us famed four-leggers. And we kind of have it easy. I mean, wouldn’t it be nice if every time the puperazzi annoyed Lindsay and Samantha, they could just pee all over their shoes and cameras?

Well, maybe not.

That would lead to even more unwelcome photo ops. In fact, bury that idea in the yard. The neighbor’s yard, even.

And thanks for the compliment on my mom’s tweets. Yeah, she can be pretty hilarious. Except when I stand my my food bowl looking absolutely adorable and she reminds me that it’s not dinner time yet. That’s not funny at all!

Dear Max,

I’m having productivity issues. I can’t stop checking Twitter because of my crush on your owner, Caprice.

Michael in Denver

Dear Michael In Denver,

Well, if that’s the case, I *definitely* shouldn’t tell you that her new book, “Family Affair” comes out September 29th. Oops! It slipped out. Sorry! If reading 140 characters hurt productivity, 348 pages might very well get you fired!  On the bright side, that would leave you plenty of time to read tweets, and maybe even pick up the rest of her books. Did I mention she’s really into guys who like to read? Just sayin…

Hollywood Writer Brings Unique Sponsorship to Team 3G; Author and Stuntman Team up for Japan Indy 300

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

http://www.whowon.com/Results.asp?TrackID=1790&StoryID=278472

Stanton Barrett, IndyCar Series driver and Hollywood stuntman, will pilot the No. 98 Team 3G Dallara IndyCar at the Japan Indy 300 at Twin Ring Motegi on Sept. 19. The No. 98 car will carry associate sponsorship from Bantam Books’ Family Affair, a new novel by Caprice Crane. Crane is a published novelist, screenwriter and TV writer. She currently writes for the re-launched TV show “Melrose Place” and has also written for “90210.” She is the daughter of legendary actress Tina Louise, best known as Ginger on “Gilligan’s Island.” Interush will serve as primary sponsor of the Team 3G car, providing the No. 98 with the fan-favorite Interush paint scheme.

September 9, 2009 Edition

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

Hey Max,

I was just wondering your thoughts on Ceasar Milan, aka “The Dog Whisperer.” Friend or Foe?

-Curious in Connecticut

Dear Curious,

The jury’s still out.  On one hand, if he can keep some of those more ornery breeds of dogs (you know who you are) from attempting to turn me into a tasty afternoon snack at the dog park, more power to him. And anyone who can get those tiny, relentless, eardrum piercing yappers (you know who you are, too) to shut their snouts should receive some sort of medal. (Side note: Hey, Chihuahuas, where’s the fire, huh? Oh, there is none? Then  F**ING RELAX!!) But I think I look at “The Dog Whisperer” the same way you humans watch that Criss Angel freak:  Slightly impressed, but knowing there’s some sort of angle, plus a sprinkle of post production “magic.”   So, to keep things fair, and as a chance to prove himself legit, I offer this simple challenge to Mr. Milan:

“Make Max less adorable.” Live. On Oprah.  “Favorite Things” episode.

Good luck, kind sir.  You’re gonna need it.

Dear Max,

My cat tends to meow loudly and repeatedly in the middle of the night. Sometimes it keeps me up. I mean, I don’t wanna smack him or anything, but it drives me crazy! What should I do?

Signed,

Pussy Whipped.

Dear Whipped,

See how I didn’t write “Dear Pussy?” That’s because Max is refined and distinguished (Did you *see* the tux?) and tries to refrain from using vulgar language.  That being said, I’m not a huge fan of cats.  They’re snooty, sneaky, and usually lack the “unconditional love” that we have in our doggy DNA.  I tend to treat cats like fleas: ignore them as long as possible till they get annoying, and then bite when necessary. I commend you for owning a cat and not committing violence against it. You’re like a cross between a really patient robot and Mother Theresa. But regardless of my low opinion of felines, you shouldn’t have to go all Ike Turner on the thing to solve your problems.  Here’s what I suggest:

Is he injured? Check his little paws, feel around for sore spots, or take him to a vet. Cats, in the process of being total dicks, sometimes injure themselves.

Is he hungry? Cat’s are like hairy babies with razor sharp claws, and instead of intelligently going to the food bowl and waiting patiently like some of us (me), they whine incessantly until they get what they want.

Did you walk him? When you gotta go, you gotta go.  Maybe he had too much…wait, WHAT? Cats don’t go on walks and spend quality outdoor time with their parents? Aarrghh!! See what I mean?  Forget everything I said and, for a small fee, Max knows a discreet Dalmatian who would love to solve this problem for you. Cash only.  You know how to find me.

Dear Max,

Thanks to our wonderful economy I’m recently unemployed and dating sure sucks when you don’t have money!  Can you recommend some affordable fun dating scenarios where I can woo the ladies on a budget?

Thanks little guy!

JF

Dear JF,

I feel you, buddy. I’ve never had a job, unless you consider “being irresistibly cute”, in which case Max works overtime!  I’ve also never had a problem with the ladies, so you came to the right pooch. For starters, be honest about your situation. The right woman will be understanding, so you won’t feel as much pressure to impress her.  That helps you to relax and have fun which, regardless of how much you spend, will almost always lead to a good date. Also, find out what she likes. If it’s “shopping,” maybe she’s not the right girl right now.  She loves “napping?” BINGO!

For some inexpensive fun while you’re awake, maybe take her to a park and have a picnic, find a free art show, or go to a flea market and marvel at the crap people try to sell.   Ask your date what she likes to do, too. Maybe she likes to watch old movies? Maybe she likes to cook hamburgers and leave a lot of meat for any nearby dogs? Maybe if that’s the case you should invite me over. The bottom line is this: There are plenty of things you can do that don’t cost much, and if you’re lucky you’ll get bonus points for creativity.  Ladies eat up thoughtfulness like Max eats up anything left on the floor. Have you ever heard the phrase “It’s the thought that counts?” It’s true. And until you have a job, it’s also your new mantra.

Dear Max,

I bought fake boobs last year and they look too ‘real’. Nobody suspects they are fake and I’m kind of upset about it. They are just as un-perky as everyone else’s!  Should I get a better boob job?

Thanks,

Real Fake Problems

Dear Real,

It’s always nice to get a letter from Los Angeles.  Do you mean “should I get a WORSE boob job”?  Last time I checked, new breasts were supposed to be discreet, not the lopsided, rock hard disasters I see on my daily walks around LA. Your doctor apparently did an excellent job, but maybe you should have specified “I’d like to look like an idiot with an insatiable need for attention,” when you went in.  Also, fake boobs tend to attract fake people, and/or people commonly referred to as “boobs.” Is this what you want? Allow Max to answer for you: No.

If the “better” boobs come with, say, an extra hand to pet me, a free cheese-dispensing trap door, or a robot throwing-arm that will play fetch for hours on end, I’d say chase that car barking all the way down the street. (Especially if you can donate the fake boobs you have now to some charity that inexplicably sends them to developing nations.)  Otherwise, getting your 2nd boob job might be an idea more worthy of me nipping your ankle than giving you kisses.

Now, I usually attack mailmen, not readers, but it just makes me upset that you’d take such a gamble. Haven’t you ever seen those cat-looking people, who can’t stop getting work done? Now they have to look like CATS for the rest of their lives, which just happens to be my personal recurring nightmare. All I am saying is give the new boobs a chance (that was the original John Lennon lyric, by the way) before you end up a walking bad dream. Hopefully you’ll find peace in them…much like Lennon found “peace” as a replacement for “boobs” in his anti-war anthem.

Dear Max,

My brother wants to know why all the really hot chicks are super young and immature. Who is he supposed to date that’s older but still bangable?

Thanks,

Only in his wet dreams

Dear OIHWD,

I wish your name made a cooler acronym.  You should work on that next time you write a letter.  Just sayin.’ Also: Bangable?!?! For the love of all that is meat or meat-flavored! How about a little class?

On to your question, it seems your brother’s problem is less one of “no bangable chicks” and more about perception. For example: Sometimes, I will “see” things that look delicious, only to find out later they’re the opposite of digestible. Likewise, your brother will “see” girls he finds hot, only to later want to punch them when they talk. This is probably based upon a steady diet of porn and other unrealistic images of women that are plastered everywhere. He just has to be open to the idea that “Super Hot” sometimes equals “Super Annoying”, and maybe look for something more fulfilling. Here’s a great idea.  If he really wants to meet women, (or, anyone that’s completely awesome and cool) come to my Mommy’s book signing in LA, at the Grove Barnes and Noble at 7PM, Thursday, October 1st, or in NYC at the Lincoln Triangle Barnes & Noble Saturday, October 10th at 7:30 pm.

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