Monday, August 31st, 2009
I’m having a dinner party this weekend. I’d really like to impress my friends, so any suggestions on the menu, décor, etc.?
Karen in Connecticut
You’re in luck! I happen to have a foolproof plan for a successful soirée:
1. Get a low lying table, about one to two feet in height;
2. Fill it with an assortment of meats(prosciutto is a must), and cheeses (preferably in little balls, which are more likely to roll onto the floor);
3. Invite Max over.
Let me know if it’s fancy, I’ll get my tux drycleaned.
Also, your address please.
Why is it that other humans sometimes seem nicer than my Mom? They’re always petting me, giving me treats, etc. They never yell at me or say “bad dog.” I love my mommy, but would I be better off with a different one?
Oh, to be such a young and naive breed. Are you familiar with the phrase “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”? Well, it’s true. (Unless I’ve burrowed under it, in which case the grass may have a brownish tinge and tiny holes scattered about.) Sure, you say these other people never yell at you, but I’ll bet they also never pick up your poop, take you for walks, or pay the $1,200 vet bill when a pair of ipod ear buds get lodged in your small intestine. (Side note: they looked just like spaghetti)
Sir Paul McCartney (he’s a Beatle — not the crunchy kind) once said “the love you take is equal to the love you make.” Well, Max has a saying too: “the scolding you take is equal to the mess you make.” These other humans are only privy to your inherent adorableness and natural doggie charm, so they act accordingly. What they don’t get see, as your mom undoubtedly does, is that sometimes you can be a real cocka-“pain in the you know what.” Your mom’s meanness is directly proportional to your cleanness, so the next time she yells, try to think back about what you did right before the tirade began. You probably won’t be able too, because you’re a dog. I’m guessing it was probably bad, probably smelly, and definitely in a high foot traffic area. So, cut it out, and give your Mom a break. Besides, you never know when a tasty looking appliance may end up in your digestive tract…
Saturday, August 29th, 2009
I drink domestic light beer. My friends always give a hard time when we’re out, saying it’s not real beer. Well, what is “real” beer?
Bud Light Bob
“Real beer” is any beer you drink that later on makes you dance awkwardly, talk to strange women, and possibly sing karaoke. Your beer is fine, Bob. You just may have to drink three times as many to reach the desired effect. Also, I don’t drink beer, I drink toilet water, so you may want to get a second opinion on this matter.
I hope all has been well while you were away, and you couldn’t have come back at a better time. As you may know, while you’ve been gone the economy has taken a big “bad doggie!” on the collective carpet of our nation. As a result, many a human are forced to scale back on the finer things in life, including expensive doggie food and new squeak toys for their beloved beasts. Unfortunately, my boston terrier, Dr. Spock, knows nothing about “economy” or “monetary value” and seems to take these cutbacks personally. How can I show him that, despite these hard times, I still love him more than Captain Kirk loved Miramanee, the Priestess of Planet Amerind??
Haha, just kidding! Trekkie or not, any lover of dogs is cool in my book. You know what’s not cool? The recession. But your problem has an easy fix. What you cut back on in expensive toys and gourmet goodies, simply make up for with extensive rounds of fetch and scratches in that special spot. (You do know where it is, don’t you?) Dr. Spock is a dog, not a debutant, so keeping him happy need not involve a lot of money — just a lot of love and, in these hard times, a good dose of “doggienomic stimulus.” Don’t worry, that’s just politician talk for running around in the yard.
Thursday, August 27th, 2009
My new book is called Family Affair and it will be published September 29th, 2009 by Bantam/Random House!! Here’s how it’s described:
FAMILY AFFAIR by Caprice Crane: a smart, funny novel about a woman who’s extremely close to her husband’s family…so when he unexpectedly files for divorce, she files a counter-suit for joint custody of her in-laws.
Amazon Product Description:
When Layla Brennan married her high school sweetheart, Brett Foster, she finally got the big, loving family she’d always wanted: his. Now she’s closer to Brett’s parents than he is, partners with his sister in a successful pet-photography business, and confidant to his younger brother. She couldn’t be more of a Foster if she’d been born one. There’s just one problem: Brett wants a divorce. Stunned and heartbroken, Layla turns to the Fosters for comfort, only to realize that losing Brett means losing them as well. What else can she do but sue him for the most valuable thing he’s got–namely, his family. Breaking up may be hard to do, but for Layla and Brett it’s even harder to undo.
Fresh, funny, poignant, and brimming with insight into what makes modern families tick–and what can blow them apart–Family Affair proves that in love and war, everything’s relative.