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Archive for January, 2006

January 26, 2006 Edition

Thursday, January 26th, 2006

Dear Max:

My dad got a deal on cemetery plots and bought the family 5 plots. It’s a nice gift, but…kind of morbid. The question is: It’s just my mom, dad, my sister and me. But neither of us is married yet and my sister is anti-marriage. The pressure is on me. What happens if I don’t get married? Will the extra plot go to waste?

Unwed and Not Dead

Dear Unwed,

That was very generous of your father. “A” for creativity. He may have been aiming for a gift you wouldn’t have bought for yourselves, and my guess is he succeeded. Don’t stress. Best case scenario: you find a life mate and you are all buried together. Worst case scenario: No one uses the 5th plot and you all stretch out and get a few extra inches. Who can be mad at that?

Dear Max:

Can we ever be happy with just one person? Whenever I’m in a relationship, I end up feeling…constricted.

Guy Who Digs His Freedom

Dear Freedom Guy,

Well, *I* only have one person and I’m very happy. But my person feeds me and walks me and throws my hedgehog for me many times daily and that’s really all I need. Sounds like you’re a “long-leash” kind of guy. You’ll need a girl who understands that. Maybe you need to first figure out what you do and don’t want and then find someone who fits the profile instead of finding someone first and trying to make them become something that they’re not.

January 20, 2006 Edition

Friday, January 20th, 2006

Dear Max:

Do you think at age 47, I’m too old to begin a writing career? Or get a book published for kids?

Dabbling in Dallas

Dear Dabbler,

Let’s see. I will turn seven this year. That is roughly 41 in human years. (The 7-year thing is inaccurate.) I still feel like a puppy and so should you. You happen to be the same age as Madonna. Have you ever heard of her? She published a brand new kids book in 2005 at age 47 and before that she was just a singer. Now she’s FAMOUS! So you see? It’s never too late. Write that book!

Dear Max:

I’m leaving my friends and family to go to London to pursue my music. Am I making the right decision? Will I regret being so far out of touch from everyone for so long?

Wandering Soul

Dear Wanderer,

I love London. Mostly because people there have really bad teeth and it makes me feel much better about my under-bite. I think that you are making the right decision. It’s a win/win situation: if you have bad teeth then you’ll fit in. If you have good teeth then you’ll feel pretty good about yourself. Will you regret being out of touch? Yes, at first, I suppose. But just think of all the new friends you’ll be *in touch* with. And if at some point you can’t handle the homesickness, come on back. We’ll be here waiting with open paws.

January 12, 2006 Edition

Thursday, January 12th, 2006

Dear Max:

I want to take my family on a plane trip this summer, but my wife is terrified to fly (due to fear of heights). Any suggestions other than drug her to get her on the plane? :o )

Fargo Keith

Dear Fargo,

Here we go again. Another human terrified of the freedom to soar above the clouds enjoying sumptuous snacks and up to 4 cubic feet of space each, arriving in exotic locals like Sao Paulo or Houston in a fraction of the time that walking or riding a bike would require. Tell her to try flying cross-country in a plastic box *under the seat* sometime. I’m no psychologist, but I think a combination of an aisle seat, maybe a class on overcoming acrophobia or aviophobia, and some love and encouragement might be just the ticket. If that fails, tell her you’re surprising her with a new Lexus, and have her close her eyes and listen to her iPod while you lead her to the dealership, then secretly drive to the airport and stick her on the plane. If she worries about the jet engine noise, tell her you got her a V8 in the new ride. Honesty is great, but we’re talking about vacation here.

Dear Max:

Is it really a cardinal sin to wear white right now? I mean, will God be able to forgive me? I like white. Puffy wears white. What’s so G** Damned wrong with white? Also, is after Labor Day or Memorial Day? I always screw that up.

Fashion Victim

Dear Victim,

I don’t think God would reserve forgiveness for such a sin, but if you’re asking for favors of the divine, I’d save up for your idol worshippings, your bearing false witnesses, covetings, adulteries, things of that sort. Puffy does wear white after Labor Day. So does the Pope. But it seems to me that you need to be fairly well connected to carry that off. Me? I wear a little white year round, because people who care *too* much about the hard-and-fast fashion rule make me sad in my soul, and because, well, I look so damn good in it. Still, I can see the practical reason behind the white-out: by February, my coat looks like a mud wrap. And it doesn’t come off ‘til late spring – about Memorial Day, when it’s safe to be resplendent again.

January 5, 2006 Edition

Thursday, January 5th, 2006

Dear Max:

What is it with humans? Why do we fuss and fight over evolution verses creation and creation verses evolution? To me it seems that if there is a creation there has to be a “Creator” I learned in math class 0+ anything always =’s 0 so to me that rules out “there was nothing and then there was something” theory..I know your only a small doggie but dog spelled backwards is God and you probably got more wisdom than most people…so what have you heard in these matters?

Confused about “Big bang” verses the “Spoken thang”

Dear Confused,

First, I have to correct a little typo, or ask for a second look at your math teacher’s resume. 0 + anything = *anything*.  And this does leave the question of the “uncaused cause.”  The first law of thermodynamics (the one that says energy can’t be created or destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another) argues against creationism.  But then who or what flipped the switch on the perpetual energy machine?  I wasn’t going to wade into the murky waters of this debate, but just as I did, by way of surveying the landscape, I had to fend off an attack by a giant mosquito.  I bit him in half, and as he crashed into the swamp, he called out these dying words to his smaller buddy:   continued in previous column…

Dear Max:

I’ve got that “not so fresh feeling”. Any advice?

Repulsive To Even Myself

Dear Repulsive,

I feel you, brother (or sister).  For New Year’s, I made the mistake of heading to Vegas for the Nicky Hilton thing.  As you can see, I got knocked down, but I got up again, and the results may be encouraging for those seeking freshness.

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