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ASK MAX

September 16, 2009 Edition

Maximillian,

WTF is with all the Vampire stuff as of late? Seriously, everywhere I turn it’s yet another emaciated b-lister with bad fangs in Marilyn Manson’s 1995 tour wardrobe, pouting and complaining about being undead and sh*t. Whatever, right?

–Unky Dav

P.S. Doesn’t your mom kinda rock a vampish vibe?

Dear Unky Dav,

You know the dating pool is bad when millions of ladies say: “Sure, he may kill me and drain my blood, but it’s better than speed dating!” It’s kinda sad that so many folks fantasize about a lover that would use them as a chew toy. I wish I could chalk it up to “Chicks dig danger,” but honestly, what’s dangerous about a pale, emaciated kid in make up and “skinny jeans?” What are you gonna do, geek? Murder me with your half finished screenplay?

The recent undead overload is mainly caused by movies and books like “Twilight” being multimillion dollar hits among easily impressionable teens. I don’t get the vampire thing either. Let me get it straight: you can’t go out in the sun, and you can’t eat meat or cheese? That sounds like the worst existence ever. Sounds almost as bad as being a cat!

And thank you for the kind words about my Mommy. We have now reached the point in society where telling a lady: “You look like an undead, quasi-cannibalistic creature that can only be destroyed by holy power” is meaningful, heartfelt compliment. To answer about my mom’s “vampish vibe,” she just happens to be fair skinned (writers room = WWII bomb shelter with less windows), wear “rocker T’s” (great taste in music!), and tries to stay in good shape (a healthy diet of tasty blood – wait—I think I said too much…).

Dear Max-

My mom’s 3yr old shih-tzu, Layla, humps everything in sight.  Don’t only boy dogs do that? BTW, she’s single and has a very long, pink tongue…

Thanks,

Roxylori

Dear Roxylori,

I believe it was Ben Franklin who once said: “There is no being on earth more optimistic than a dog humping furniture.”  It’s hard enough to get another dog to care about you, let alone a leather couch. Then again, if the furniture companies ever find a way to make this reciprocal they’ll make billions.

No, boy dogs aren’t the only ones who do that. Just like in the human world, female dogs (see, we don’t even call ‘em “Bitches” anymore) are becoming more empowered every day. For example, you ladies now make about 85 cents to the dollar that men do. Way to go! Another byproduct of this is finding and embracing your own sexuality.  It’s 2009, and women are realizing that “Hey, we can hump whoever we want, whenever we want!”

Same goes for dogs. That said, your girl dog may just need some more exercise, and possibly a better understanding of “the birds and the bees and those pillows we got at Target.” Also, why it’s called the “love seat,” but not *quite* that way.

Thank you for trying to hook me up, but let’s think about this: If I were human, you probably wouldn’t say: “Hmmm… my cousin is making sweet sweet love to the recliner, I’ve got to set her up with one of my guy friends!”  Then again, I’m loathe to make too much fun of your dog. After all, who hasn’t woken up one morning, looked at whoever’s next to them in bed and said, “Man, I wish I’d only humped the furniture last night?”

Hi Max,

So you have you been out for a walk with Cadillac Ronson? Get along OK with her?

P.S. your owners Tweets are hilarious by the way.

Regards

OBWSR

Dear OBWSR

I woof-spectfully plead the 5th amendment on the grounds my answer may prove to incriminate me. Plus, I’m not one to “walk and tell.”

Being a celebrity dog is hard work. Everything’s: “Show us your paws!” and “I see you haven’t been fixed yet!” The fact that you even know who Cadillac Ronson is speaks to the lack of privacy among us famed four-leggers. And we kind of have it easy. I mean, wouldn’t it be nice if every time the puperazzi annoyed Lindsay and Samantha, they could just pee all over their shoes and cameras?

Well, maybe not.

That would lead to even more unwelcome photo ops. In fact, bury that idea in the yard. The neighbor’s yard, even.

And thanks for the compliment on my mom’s tweets. Yeah, she can be pretty hilarious. Except when I stand my my food bowl looking absolutely adorable and she reminds me that it’s not dinner time yet. That’s not funny at all!

Dear Max,

I’m having productivity issues. I can’t stop checking Twitter because of my crush on your owner, Caprice.

Michael in Denver

Dear Michael In Denver,

Well, if that’s the case, I *definitely* shouldn’t tell you that her new book, “Family Affair” comes out September 29th. Oops! It slipped out. Sorry! If reading 140 characters hurt productivity, 348 pages might very well get you fired!  On the bright side, that would leave you plenty of time to read tweets, and maybe even pick up the rest of her books. Did I mention she’s really into guys who like to read? Just sayin…

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