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ASK MAX

August 29, 2009 Edition

Hey Max,

I drink domestic light beer. My friends always give a hard time when we’re out, saying it’s not real beer. Well, what is “real” beer?

Bud Light Bob

Dear Bob,

“Real beer” is any beer you drink that later on makes you dance awkwardly, talk to strange women, and possibly sing karaoke.  Your beer is fine, Bob. You just may have to drink three times as many to reach the desired effect.  Also, I don’t drink beer, I drink toilet water, so you may want to get a second opinion on this matter.

Dear Max,

I hope all has been well while you were away, and you couldn’t have come back at a better time.  As you may know, while you’ve been gone the economy has taken a big “bad doggie!” on the collective carpet of our nation.  As a result, many a human are forced to scale back on the finer things in life, including expensive doggie food and new squeak toys for their beloved beasts.  Unfortunately, my boston terrier, Dr. Spock, knows nothing about “economy” or “monetary value” and seems to take these cutbacks personally.  How can I show him that, despite these hard times, I still love him more than Captain Kirk loved Miramanee, the Priestess of Planet Amerind??

Troubled Trekkie

Dear Nerd,

Haha, just kidding! Trekkie or not, any lover of dogs is cool in my book. You know what’s not cool? The recession. But your problem has an easy fix.  What you cut back on in expensive toys and gourmet goodies, simply make up for with extensive rounds of fetch and scratches in that special spot. (You do know where it is, don’t you?) Dr. Spock is a dog, not a debutant, so keeping him happy need not involve a lot of money — just a lot of love and, in these hard times, a good dose of “doggienomic stimulus.”  Don’t worry, that’s just politician talk for running around in the yard.

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