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ASK MAX

August 31, 2009 Edition

Dear Max,

I’m having a dinner party this weekend. I’d really like to impress my friends, so any suggestions on the menu, décor, etc.?

Karen in Connecticut

Dear Karen,

You’re in luck! I happen to have a foolproof plan for a successful soirée:

1. Get a low lying table, about one to two feet in height;
2. Fill it with an assortment of meats(prosciutto is a must), and cheeses (preferably in little balls, which are more likely to roll onto the floor);
3. Invite Max over.

Let me know if it’s fancy, I’ll get my tux drycleaned.

Also, your address please.

Dear Max.

Why is it that other humans sometimes seem nicer than my Mom? They’re always petting me, giving me treats, etc.  They never yell at me or say “bad dog.”  I love my mommy, but would I be better off with a different one?

Confused Cockapoo

Dear Confused,

Oh, to be such a young and naive breed.  Are you familiar with the phrase “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”? Well, it’s true. (Unless I’ve burrowed under it, in which case the grass may have a brownish tinge and tiny holes scattered about.)  Sure, you say these other people never yell at you, but I’ll bet they also never pick up your poop, take you for walks, or pay the $1,200 vet bill when a pair of ipod ear buds get lodged in your small intestine. (Side note: they looked just like spaghetti)

Sir Paul McCartney (he’s a Beatle — not the crunchy kind) once said “the love you take is equal to the love you make.”  Well, Max has a saying too: “the scolding you take is equal to the mess you make.”  These other humans are only privy to your inherent adorableness and natural doggie charm, so they act accordingly.  What they don’t get see, as your mom undoubtedly does, is that sometimes you can be a real cocka-“pain in the you know what.”   Your mom’s meanness is directly proportional to your cleanness, so the next time she yells, try to think back about what you did right before the tirade began. You probably won’t be able too, because you’re a dog.  I’m guessing it was probably bad, probably smelly, and definitely in a high foot traffic area.  So, cut it out, and give your Mom a break.  Besides, you never know when a tasty looking appliance may end up in your digestive tract…

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