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ASK MAX

January 12, 2006 Edition

Dear Max:

I want to take my family on a plane trip this summer, but my wife is terrified to fly (due to fear of heights). Any suggestions other than drug her to get her on the plane? :o )

Fargo Keith

Dear Fargo,

Here we go again. Another human terrified of the freedom to soar above the clouds enjoying sumptuous snacks and up to 4 cubic feet of space each, arriving in exotic locals like Sao Paulo or Houston in a fraction of the time that walking or riding a bike would require. Tell her to try flying cross-country in a plastic box *under the seat* sometime. I’m no psychologist, but I think a combination of an aisle seat, maybe a class on overcoming acrophobia or aviophobia, and some love and encouragement might be just the ticket. If that fails, tell her you’re surprising her with a new Lexus, and have her close her eyes and listen to her iPod while you lead her to the dealership, then secretly drive to the airport and stick her on the plane. If she worries about the jet engine noise, tell her you got her a V8 in the new ride. Honesty is great, but we’re talking about vacation here.

Dear Max:

Is it really a cardinal sin to wear white right now? I mean, will God be able to forgive me? I like white. Puffy wears white. What’s so G** Damned wrong with white? Also, is after Labor Day or Memorial Day? I always screw that up.

Fashion Victim

Dear Victim,

I don’t think God would reserve forgiveness for such a sin, but if you’re asking for favors of the divine, I’d save up for your idol worshippings, your bearing false witnesses, covetings, adulteries, things of that sort. Puffy does wear white after Labor Day. So does the Pope. But it seems to me that you need to be fairly well connected to carry that off. Me? I wear a little white year round, because people who care *too* much about the hard-and-fast fashion rule make me sad in my soul, and because, well, I look so damn good in it. Still, I can see the practical reason behind the white-out: by February, my coat looks like a mud wrap. And it doesn’t come off ‘til late spring – about Memorial Day, when it’s safe to be resplendent again.

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