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ASK MAX

March 2, 2006 Edition

Hello Max,

Do you think we really landed on the moon? Or do you think it was all falsified using video equipment to win a political battle called the “space race”? Also, how come no other countries have gone to the moon? Don’t you think by now other countries would have wanted to explore the moon? And how come we haven’t gone back in over 30 years? It seems that all other historical events where people did great things(Columbus coming to America, Sir Edmond Hillary reaching the top of Everest, the 4 minute mile) many others followed soon there after. I just find it strange, in a age when I have more technology in the laptop I type this on than all of NASA had in 1969 that more people haven’t gone back. Thanks! Your curious, long tongued pug dude friend…

Yogi the Pug

Dear Yogi,

The moon has occupied our imaginations and the passing car windows of many a high school junior’s dad’s Cutlass Supreme since time immemorial. So it’s natural for you to want to preserve it in your mind, pristine, immaculate, unsullied, virginal, without a date, sitting home Saturday nights in an exfoliating mask eating Chunky Monkey out of a pint container while watching “Ab Fab” reruns on Oxygen. I do believe we landed on the moon, because it bears the hallmark of every great accomplishment in history: we quickly got bored with it. Just three and a half years after Apollo Creed landed Stretch Armstrong on the lunar surface, we were over it, and to everybody else, it was like the hot night club – from three and a half years ago. (Nobody goes there anymore but tourists.) Speaking of which, my neighbor allegedly put a deposit down in the 70s for a seat on the first civilian flight to the moon, and I’ll bet she’s wishing she’d bought a small cap mutual fund. As for your laptop, the space program should get a large chunk of credit for its tiny, mighty brain. But most people are too busy blogging, googling, and surfing porn to plan moon shots with them these days. Pity. I could use the cheese.

Dear Max:

Why is it, that people who claim to LOVE their dogs feed them the exact same dry, boring food every flipping day? Do they then, quid pro quo, not love themselves because they force themselves to exercise free will and eat a wildly varied diet? I say, if your owner doesn’t feed you a different course at every meal, they hate themselves. Right?

unky dav

Dear unky,

I’d be better qualified to respond to this if I actually tasted food on the way down. Truth is, I’ve consumed a wildly varied diet of food, apparel, hardware, household and health & beauty items in my day, reasoning that if my neck’s throat can handle it, my posterior’s throat shouldn’t have any problem. (An assumption that proved incorrect, apparently, for an acquaintance of mine who ate a sock and needed 1,200 bucks worth of surgery. Now that’s a test of your love for your dog!) But you’re guilty of a common logical fallacy. To wit: “if A (loving someone) then B (feeding the same thing every day)” does not imply “if not B (not feeding the same thing every day) then not A (not loving someone).” Correcting this understandable and eminently excusable error is a simple matter of overnighting me a wildly varied diet each day for several months and seeing if you still love me. Put “Perishable” on the box so the doorman knows not to dilly-dally.

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