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ASK MAX

March 9, 2006 Edition

Dear Max,

I recently went out with a damsel I met online. Two brief dates, but I didn’t feel she was a good match for me, in spite of being a fine girl. So I told her this, and she suggested that we have sex anyway, while we’re looking for Mr. & Mrs. Right. So, the sex was pretty fun, as most sex is, but I still couldn’t see myself with this girl for a variety of reasons. After two “booty calls” she began to pressure me to tell her my feelings, and to tell her if we have a future together or not. The more truth I told her, the more emboldened she became to convince me otherwise. And so here I am, the recipient of about ten e-mails/text messages/phone calls a day, at all hours, with her entreating me to reconsider. I finally told her to stop contacting me, but she won’t stop. I’ve locked up my rabbit, and stabled my horse, but I fear for myself. This is becoming cyber-stalking, and the girl obviously has no self-esteem, or else she would go on with her life.

Or am I just that good in bed?

Chaz

Dear Chaz,

Not to say “I told you so” – because you didn’t ask me in advance of sleeping with her, so I never had the chance – but entangling limbs often leads to other kinds of entanglements. So, you’re surprised that someone surmised from a little harmless intercourse that you might want to also insert yourself into her life? What makes it worse is that it wasn’t enough for the two of you to engage in a little no-strings-attached slip ’n slide – you immediately go kinky, rushing out to find another couple to play along. (Mr. & Mrs. Right? Seems to me you’d have had better odds by not limiting yourselves to just one last name.) Enough of my scolding: yours was a common and fairly innocent mistake, made every day by the horny and boozed-up. And like this fine girl (not fine enough apparently), a lot of people seem perfectly normal … until they reveal themselves to be perfectly abnormal. That’s why the neighbor always tells the eyewitness news reporter, “He was quiet, seemed like a nice guy, until, ya know, the whole cannibalism thing.” Now, your only choice is to marry her.

Just kidding. I always wanted to do that. These cases always strike me as sad. You’re right: it has nothing to do with you, really. You’re merely the current object of her insecurities. She needs to be happy with herself before she can be happy with anyone else, but the little idiot inside her is grasping at an outside solution: “If only Chaz! Must … get … CHAZ!” No comment on your prowess on the mattress – but she needs to get in touch with her own demons. (Let her drive *them* nuts for a while.) Block her addresses and don’t take her calls. She’ll either fade away or attack you on the street with a machete, and either way, you’ll get closure.

Dear Max:

I need to know why I am always barking all the time at trucks and every little noise? I AM A BORDER COLLIE CHOW BREED, does that have something to do with my barking?

Trina Ruff Ruff

Dear Trina,

The ALL-CAPS section of your question just about ALL-CAPTURES it: you’re a border collie-chow breed? You’re the “perfect storm” of canine control freaks. Your inner border collie wants to herd everything it sees and bring order to the seemingly unruly world around you, while your inner chow is bursting with instinct to corral, protect, and generally flip out if someone looks at you cross-eyed. But barking is the double-edged sword of dog behavior. We do it, they tell us, “Quiet!” We *don’t* do it, they say, “Some watch dog you are!” We can’t win for losin’. I’d only recommend getting a little self control, because a friend of mine had a barking issue – then his parents got him a new collar, and now barking makes his neck tingle. Weird. Your case brings to mind some other curious breeds and their peculiarities – like the St. Bernard-Chihuahu mix, or St. Behuahua. Constantly chilly, but carries its own warm-up. There’s a growing fan base for the Chocolate Lab-Maltese mix – the Chocolate Malt. The Lhasa Apso-Malamute, or Apsomutely, has some unswayable adherents. And everyone loves the Lhasa-Doberman combo – Lhasa Do. Sometimes it’s a gender thing: many women favor the Mastiff-Cockapoo mix, while men have a known aversion to the Cocker Spaniel-Maltese blend.

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