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ASK MAX

May 4, 2006 Edition

Dear Max,

Now that your mom’s novel has finally hit the stores, are you worried that your fame will inhibit your normal lifestyle. As a dog who needs three walks a day, should you be concerned about the paparazzi?

Worried Fan

Dear Worried,

I was *wondering* what all the fuss was about. Every time we go outside now, some wild-eyed 20- or 30-something with a Blackberry or cell is furiously thumbing away on a tiny keyboard, and a few seconds later *BAM*, there’s an entry on the Gawker Stalker map tracing our whereabouts. Jessica Coen and the gawker.com juggernaut have accomplished something no woman on the planet has been able to do in a long time — drive George Clooney nuts. Can a guy get a little privacy??! I’m beginning to understand the plight of Tom Cruise. I mean, yeah, my mom has a book out now (available online from amazon.com or at bn.com if you really must know), and that’s giving us a certain low-wattage celebrity, but when I’m outside, it’s strictly business, if you catch my drift (and the significance of my lifted leg). I suppose as a consolation, I’ve coined a new term for the camera-wielding menace: peepeerazzi. Take that, Brangelina!

Max:

You’re a dog about town with charm to boot so this is something that I would think you would have the low down on. In this day and age I am so fearful of STD’s and transmitting one. Do you think it is still safe to have phone sex? My Rottweiler just got one serious ear infection after a long conversation with a local Malamute. Do you think they are connected?

Sleepless in Seattle

Dear Sleepless in Seattle:

Thank you for your movie, and for giving Meg Ryan to the ages. Funny that your dog is a Rottweiler – I know a venereal condition with a similar name that afflicts males: Rottweiner – but let’s keep the PG-13 rating and get back to the question. Generally, communications between a Rottweiler and a Malamute, sexual or otherwise, should be kept long distance. But it’s true: we live in a time of rampant telepromiscuity, with people jumping from land lines to cell to cable and VOIP and back again, chasing the thrill of a cheap rate. But the discount doesn’t apply on romance-oriented calls to those 877-hook-up lines, where hot 19-year-olds are sitting home, lonely, with their friends, in their teddies, just waiting for your call. Trust me on this one.

Still, phones actually have an important role to play in preventing STDs: 100% of the time, no V.D. is transmitted when the man or the woman simply doesn’t call the other party back. Try it sometime. I don’t know what the New England Journal of Medicine has said on the subject, but I do know about a man who put condoms on his ears, because he didn’t want to get hearing aids. Personally, I’m fixed, and according to Cosmopolitan, that means I’m really missing out on something – 37 surefire ways, apparently. Hey, Cosmo: my nights are mine, and my privates are just fine, thank you very little.

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