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ASK MAX

May 25, 2006 Edition

Max,

My master broke it off with a woman recently. He tried to be as nice as he could when he broke it off and the woman took it well at first. 3 weeks later she starts texting him on the cell phone up to 40-50 txts a day, and constantly emailing on myspace. They were as incompatible as they come, so my owner didn’t want to hurt her, now she has gone crazy and he doesnt know what to do. He is now afraid she might start stalking him and she is trying to ruin other relationships he has by calling on date nights etc. What can he do to stop the insanity?

Tiny the wondermutt

Dear Tiny Wonder,

It may help you to know you’re not alone. Many is the man (and the woman) who has suffered from the post-first-date interest differential, which is expressed mathematically as follows:

(My interest in you after getting to know you a little) = (Your interested in me)/1,000

There’s another law of physics that comes into play here. I think it’s Newton’s 8th or 9th, right after the one about the futility of changing lanes in heavy traffic or at the grocery store: our desire for things is inversely proportional to our ability to have them. In practical terms, to get rid of her, you have to start going gaga over her. Invite her over to dinner and show her you’ve baked a series of little clay dolls in her likeness, and say you’ve quit your job so you can spend more time with her. Answer every text message, and when she takes more than 5 minutes to respond, freak out on her. Then up the ante: actually *care* about things she says. Of course, this could result in her reciprocating, which explains why physics and relationships are so much harder since quantum mechanics came into vogue. So let’s start before that fateful first date, at a point that can’t possibly help you now (and this goes out to all Ask Max readers with romance in their future): start off *every* first date by asking, “If this doesn’t work out and I don’t want to see you again, will you go psycho on me?” Then, you can move on to, “I’d like to meet your mother/father soon, because I want to know how far south you’re going to go when you get old.” That typically takes care of people getting too attached to you.

Dear Max:

Summer is coming, and with prices above $3 per gallon in some parts, there’s a rising tide of complaints about the cost of gasoline for the many millions who will be vacationing by motor vehicle. Yet we seem to be losing sight of the fact that bottled water costs a dollar or two per liter (I’ve paid $7 for a two-liter in restaurants, pretending for my date’s sake that it was no big deal) — or $4, $8 or more per gallon. My question: is it feasible to think we could avoid these outrageous charges and just start drinking gasoline?

Flummoxed by Fluids

Dear Fl, Fl… Whatever:

Feasible, yes. Have you tried some of those so-called premium Tequilas or a Jager shot? For all intents and purposes, a lot of people apparently already have no difficulty drinking combustible fuels. Practical, no. Can you imagine the cost of retrofitting all the country’s restaurants, delis, whimsical refreshment carts, yoga studios and other purveyors of high-priced agua with gasoline pumps? It’s all I can do to find diesel for my 18 wheeler. (I do overnights hauling steering columns to the Carolinas from Detroit when I need spare cash. This Web site doesn’t pay for itself; for that, I count on you to buy my mom’s new book, Stupid and Contagious, available now through amazon.com (click here), bn.com, and fine booksellers everywhere. ‘Nuff said.)

As a water drinker, I feel your pain – especially since it’s all bound for the main vein anyway. Attention world: H-2-0 — two hydrogen, one oxygen. How the VOSS people managed to squeeze a magic ingredient into that little tight knit community of atoms is beyond me, but I’d like to find out, because they’re getting north of $10 a bottle at Nobu. To say nothing of the little sub-planet of discarded plastic bottles we’re creating. Here’s a tip from a guy who always has a bowl of the stuff waiting: you can fill several bathtubs with tap water for the price of a single bottle, and it comes with free fluoride most places. Cheers!

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